Do you know how scary it is to feel your health slipping away? To feel it slipping through your clenched fists, despite all of your best efforts.
A little bit at first. So little that it barely registers. And that must have been a one-off, right? You reassure yourself. You’re okay. Two steps forward, one step back. Tomorrow will be better.
But then tomorrow is not better. You can’t accept that, so you put on a brave face, and cover your whole being with a mask of positivity and hope. Everything is fine.
But everything is not fine, and then the next day isn’t either. Now the cracks start to show, pain and frustration chipping away at the stubborn hope. Your world starts shrinking, plans need to be canceled, and pain management eats away any energy that remains.
You rage against the situation. you will not go quietly. You arm yourself with logged symptoms, the researched diseases, anything that could have caused this. Knowledge is power, right? But you don’t feel powerful, and the days progress and the symptoms increase, and more and more of life gets stripped away. You learn just how much you still have to lose. And then you lose that too.
As a last rallying cry, you mobilize the cavalry, the doctors and your whole support system. You thrust all your gathered knowledge upon them, and beg for help. Now you’re sure, knowledge isn’t power. Because all this knowledge doesn’t make you feel powerful, it makes you feel hopeless, and helpless.
But then, amid the myriad of ineffective and already tried and failed suggestions, a glimmer of hope. An untried approach, a new medication, something new to test for. Just a glimmer, but you hold it, oh so carefully, in your hands. Could this be it, finally? You desperately want to hope. Maybe you even dare to dream. Will this be the thing that gives you back your life? All too often, the answer is no and the cycle continues.
But a spark is all it takes. It could grow into the fire that burns away all of the pain and despair. A fire to cleanse your life so that you can start afresh again. It could still happen.
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With love, Sarah
